Stopping to smell the roses
The first few weeks of Hudson's life were a blur! I, without a doubt believe that going natural for childbirth gave me this adrenaline rush. A high if you will. Every woman I'd seen right after she'd given birth looked like they'd just went through a tornado. But right after I'd delivered Hudson MAN I was ready to eat, talk for hours, play a game, SOMETHING! But everyone kept saying "Get your rest! You must be so tired!" And I sit there thinking "Nope. I'm really not..." But...by Day 2 I was definitely exhausted. I couldn't sleep in the day because...well I just couldn't. I'd try and fail. But at night the getting up every 2-3 hours to feed Hudson wasn't enough time for me to go back to sleep again. I felt like a walking zombie.
I tell people how amazing Hudson. And he really was. But I feel I forget to mention how much I stumbled. I am proud of myself. I feel I prepared myself the best I could for motherhood. Motherhood has been hard, I've learned a lot but I feel like I did pretty good at trying to get ready mentally and emotionally. Everyone said to not be surprised if you just burst out into tears. And that happened a couple of times. Usually when I was in the shower and suddenly heard my babe crying out in the living room while my husband tried to comfort him. But I remember one particular time. For the first few days of Hudson's life I was struggling with breastfeeding. Hudson had a great suck but my nipples hurt all the time, I was always engorged, and I couldn't get a good latch going. I knew this because Hudson would attach and within 5 minutes he'd be crying! No matter what I did, it felt like. I was so scared I was putting my baby through pain. I didn't want to let my pride get in the way of supplementing because that's what was best for my baby. This one particular time I sat on the bed trying to feed Hudson. Then the crying began. Garrett always sat with me when I fed because...well he's an amazing partner and father. Suddenly I could take it anymore. I just let Hudson sit in my lab and I sobbed. I sobbed and said "I can't do it. Go get the formula, I'm not gonna let him starve." Garrett lovingly got Hudson, told me to lay down, and go to sleep. I sobbed saying "Garrett he's hungry! And I can't freaking feed him!" He softly said we'd try again later and I needed to sleep. I did. Oh boy did I need it.
Since then breastfeeding has been a dream. I contacted a family friend who is a retired midwife and had her help me breastfeed. Breastfeeding is hard but oh so worth it. I've been so fortunate to be able to breastfeed up until now. I pray I can continue for as long as we'd like.
I'm writing this because I'm reminiscing. My sister AnnMarie just had her 2nd baby girl, Abigail. She is gorgeous. I haven't seen her in person yet. But the pictures have already stolen my heart! This has caused me to reflect on when my little baby boy was that little. So small. So fragile. I was so scared to touch him. One night I decided to take him into the nursery so I could get some sleep. I remember them wheeling him away and me just sobbing. Not because I felt like a bad mom. I knew I was a good mom because I already missed him. I sobbed because I wanted him back into my arms. I sobbed because part of me was gone. I cried even when he was in his crib next to me. Because he was too far away even then. Now I sit and stare at my 6 month old in his crib tonight. Oh how I could sit here forever. Just watch him. See his chest go up and down. See him flinch when I give into the urge to caress his cheek. Motherhood is so amazing. This boy made me a mom. And for that. He will always be that the center of my heart.
I tell people how amazing Hudson. And he really was. But I feel I forget to mention how much I stumbled. I am proud of myself. I feel I prepared myself the best I could for motherhood. Motherhood has been hard, I've learned a lot but I feel like I did pretty good at trying to get ready mentally and emotionally. Everyone said to not be surprised if you just burst out into tears. And that happened a couple of times. Usually when I was in the shower and suddenly heard my babe crying out in the living room while my husband tried to comfort him. But I remember one particular time. For the first few days of Hudson's life I was struggling with breastfeeding. Hudson had a great suck but my nipples hurt all the time, I was always engorged, and I couldn't get a good latch going. I knew this because Hudson would attach and within 5 minutes he'd be crying! No matter what I did, it felt like. I was so scared I was putting my baby through pain. I didn't want to let my pride get in the way of supplementing because that's what was best for my baby. This one particular time I sat on the bed trying to feed Hudson. Then the crying began. Garrett always sat with me when I fed because...well he's an amazing partner and father. Suddenly I could take it anymore. I just let Hudson sit in my lab and I sobbed. I sobbed and said "I can't do it. Go get the formula, I'm not gonna let him starve." Garrett lovingly got Hudson, told me to lay down, and go to sleep. I sobbed saying "Garrett he's hungry! And I can't freaking feed him!" He softly said we'd try again later and I needed to sleep. I did. Oh boy did I need it.
Since then breastfeeding has been a dream. I contacted a family friend who is a retired midwife and had her help me breastfeed. Breastfeeding is hard but oh so worth it. I've been so fortunate to be able to breastfeed up until now. I pray I can continue for as long as we'd like.
I'm writing this because I'm reminiscing. My sister AnnMarie just had her 2nd baby girl, Abigail. She is gorgeous. I haven't seen her in person yet. But the pictures have already stolen my heart! This has caused me to reflect on when my little baby boy was that little. So small. So fragile. I was so scared to touch him. One night I decided to take him into the nursery so I could get some sleep. I remember them wheeling him away and me just sobbing. Not because I felt like a bad mom. I knew I was a good mom because I already missed him. I sobbed because I wanted him back into my arms. I sobbed because part of me was gone. I cried even when he was in his crib next to me. Because he was too far away even then. Now I sit and stare at my 6 month old in his crib tonight. Oh how I could sit here forever. Just watch him. See his chest go up and down. See him flinch when I give into the urge to caress his cheek. Motherhood is so amazing. This boy made me a mom. And for that. He will always be that the center of my heart.
Comments
Post a Comment