Boundaries with Friends
Soooooo hey y'all!! We've moved into a bigger place & I've barely had time to breath so I apologize for the absence. But I finally have something I feel very strongly about. Does anyone ever sit and wonder, why don't I have any close friends? As a millennial, it's hard not to get caught up in seeing people tag their friends in memes, videos, or photos. You sit and think "man, I wish I had friends." But is anyone else the type that has people reaching out as friends and you think, "wow. Having friends is hard." Now that may be where I'm at in life. I've got a husband and son to take care of so my time is very limited. But I often wonder why I don't have friends!
My therapist has analyzed me as a person & has categorized me as an amiable person. My primary personality is amiable and my secondary is expressive. Amiable people pay attention to detail. They don't want just a fun conversation with someone, they also want a deep conversation. My therapist once asked "When you're at a party are you usually good at one-on-one but if put in the spot light can still shine?" I said "yeah, pretty much." And he just nodded and said "yes, you're VERY amiable but have a lot of expressive in you as well." Amiable is wanting to know someone's favorite color, birthday, and favorite flower so on May 18 they can bring you a pink rose. They want to learn the details about you. While expressive are loud, attention seeking, and usually the "life of the party". I'm more amiable than expressive but I am a lot expressive. Make sense?
So I was talking to my therapist about a friend recently who I was having a dilemma with. My dilemma was I felt I'd tried to be the best friend I could be to them, but I wasn't getting it back. A lot of my friendships have felt very one-sided(NOT ALL. JUST A LOT). When I got married, friends who weren't married immediately backed away categorizing me as a married friend who didn't have time for single friends anymore. So I tried extra hard to prove them wrong, just to be left high and dry. I was talking to him about these feelings when he said "man, you are so amiable. Do you eventually cut people off when you feel you've given them a lot of chances?" I said "...my co-worker Noel may have called me out on doing that before..." he then expressed that that was okay. That I shouldn't feel bad because I'd tried to give them chances and had decided to not associate them as close friends anymore. It was just my personality.
That experience gave me such freedom. Boundaries are setting limits to make you feel safe. Whether it's with your spouse, family, co-workers, or friends. I have been burned by someone, we all have. I can be very hesitant to let someone be a very close friend. I don't have anyone, outside of my husband and family, that knows the day-to-day struggles I go through. And although I may say "I wish I had friends!" Sometimes that isn't really what I need. Friends can be demanding but I have a right to say "I don't want to talk to this person who I don't feel treated me right in the past. I can politely end the conversation and be on my way." Or "I can't sacrifice that much time for a friend right now, my life is too busy." And if that person doesn't understand, they aren't that good of a friend. This was especially freeing for my social anxiety. If I feel I'm annoying someone I can tell myself "I don't have to be with someone who makes me feel annoying".
I have a girl who I used to be such good friends with. But after years of attempts to get back to being the good friends we were had failed, I became infuriated that she wasn't trying. She'd talk about how she was struggling. But we were in the exact same places in life. It was to the point where I would sit and rant to my husband every time I saw her on social media saying "Garrett, _______ just said this but I have tried doing ________!" And finally one day I was doing my usual. Looking at her pictures on social media thinking "I don't understand! We would be perfect friends but she never puts in any effort!" When the thought finally came to me "because you aren't friends anymore." It was a harsh reality. I was holding on because I genuinely wanted to be friends. We'd gotten along so well. But she just didn't want to put in the effort, and that was okay. But we weren't friends. It was okay for me to move on from her. She is a great, beautiful, and awesome girl. But we were merely just acquaintances now. I decided to delete her from my social media and that to me was my boundary. It didn't benefit me to see her things anymore, and it felt freeing to have it be gone.
That may have seem like a harsh boundary but it was what I needed to not worry about that anymore. Friends are amazing & can offer so much love, support, and comfort to others. But we need to remember that some people can't handle too many friends in their lives. Because life is busy. I have a lot of friends that I consider them good friends. But we have a mutual understanding that we are busy & might not talk for weeks at a time. I've had to come to the realization that because I got married before almost everyone my age, I'm at a VERY different place in life. I have a son & a husband. I'm a stay at home mom. But those friends get it. They understand me and my situation. And when we do catch up, the conversations are mutual exchanges of each other's lives. So if you don't feel fulfilled in a friendship, that you're giving but not getting anything. It's okay to say goodbye to that friendship. You can be polite & friendly. But there's no need to return to a level of friendship you don't feel is deserved. Thanks for reading :)
My therapist has analyzed me as a person & has categorized me as an amiable person. My primary personality is amiable and my secondary is expressive. Amiable people pay attention to detail. They don't want just a fun conversation with someone, they also want a deep conversation. My therapist once asked "When you're at a party are you usually good at one-on-one but if put in the spot light can still shine?" I said "yeah, pretty much." And he just nodded and said "yes, you're VERY amiable but have a lot of expressive in you as well." Amiable is wanting to know someone's favorite color, birthday, and favorite flower so on May 18 they can bring you a pink rose. They want to learn the details about you. While expressive are loud, attention seeking, and usually the "life of the party". I'm more amiable than expressive but I am a lot expressive. Make sense?
So I was talking to my therapist about a friend recently who I was having a dilemma with. My dilemma was I felt I'd tried to be the best friend I could be to them, but I wasn't getting it back. A lot of my friendships have felt very one-sided(NOT ALL. JUST A LOT). When I got married, friends who weren't married immediately backed away categorizing me as a married friend who didn't have time for single friends anymore. So I tried extra hard to prove them wrong, just to be left high and dry. I was talking to him about these feelings when he said "man, you are so amiable. Do you eventually cut people off when you feel you've given them a lot of chances?" I said "...my co-worker Noel may have called me out on doing that before..." he then expressed that that was okay. That I shouldn't feel bad because I'd tried to give them chances and had decided to not associate them as close friends anymore. It was just my personality.
That experience gave me such freedom. Boundaries are setting limits to make you feel safe. Whether it's with your spouse, family, co-workers, or friends. I have been burned by someone, we all have. I can be very hesitant to let someone be a very close friend. I don't have anyone, outside of my husband and family, that knows the day-to-day struggles I go through. And although I may say "I wish I had friends!" Sometimes that isn't really what I need. Friends can be demanding but I have a right to say "I don't want to talk to this person who I don't feel treated me right in the past. I can politely end the conversation and be on my way." Or "I can't sacrifice that much time for a friend right now, my life is too busy." And if that person doesn't understand, they aren't that good of a friend. This was especially freeing for my social anxiety. If I feel I'm annoying someone I can tell myself "I don't have to be with someone who makes me feel annoying".
I have a girl who I used to be such good friends with. But after years of attempts to get back to being the good friends we were had failed, I became infuriated that she wasn't trying. She'd talk about how she was struggling. But we were in the exact same places in life. It was to the point where I would sit and rant to my husband every time I saw her on social media saying "Garrett, _______ just said this but I have tried doing ________!" And finally one day I was doing my usual. Looking at her pictures on social media thinking "I don't understand! We would be perfect friends but she never puts in any effort!" When the thought finally came to me "because you aren't friends anymore." It was a harsh reality. I was holding on because I genuinely wanted to be friends. We'd gotten along so well. But she just didn't want to put in the effort, and that was okay. But we weren't friends. It was okay for me to move on from her. She is a great, beautiful, and awesome girl. But we were merely just acquaintances now. I decided to delete her from my social media and that to me was my boundary. It didn't benefit me to see her things anymore, and it felt freeing to have it be gone.
That may have seem like a harsh boundary but it was what I needed to not worry about that anymore. Friends are amazing & can offer so much love, support, and comfort to others. But we need to remember that some people can't handle too many friends in their lives. Because life is busy. I have a lot of friends that I consider them good friends. But we have a mutual understanding that we are busy & might not talk for weeks at a time. I've had to come to the realization that because I got married before almost everyone my age, I'm at a VERY different place in life. I have a son & a husband. I'm a stay at home mom. But those friends get it. They understand me and my situation. And when we do catch up, the conversations are mutual exchanges of each other's lives. So if you don't feel fulfilled in a friendship, that you're giving but not getting anything. It's okay to say goodbye to that friendship. You can be polite & friendly. But there's no need to return to a level of friendship you don't feel is deserved. Thanks for reading :)
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