Who Matters?
This is a blog post that scares me. But I've been contemplating for weeks on how to write it. Because it needs to be written. Why? I feel an incredible need to make sure people don't feel alone in their trials. Please bare with me if this is ill written, this is a huge act of courage on my part to write this. Suicidal thoughts are something I'm very familiar with. I hate saying that. It's such a hell like state to be in. It's something that people hate admitting. But also something NO ONE talks about. Because it's a VERY serious and scary topic. This title may seem completely off topic for this post but it actually is what this post is all about.
I have suffered with depression my whole life. At times I have been a master at hiding it. Others it might as well be written on my forehead. I can remember some dark times dating back to 12 years old when I was severely bullied in my young womens. I've luckily always had a mother who seemed to know what to say at the perfect moments, a father who could make me smile no matter what, and siblings who were tight knit and made me know I always had a friend. I even started writing a book in high school (it's more like an essay) called "To the extrovert with depression" LOL. It's funny to read back on because I think "Why are you so dramatic 16 year old me?!!!!"
Recently I was struggling deeply with my depression. I've had Postpartum Depression and Anxiety since my son was born a year ago. What I have been met with as I've opened up to friends who aren't mothers is pure mockery. I have a group of ladies I meet with every Thursday (you know who you are!) that have been true angels to me. But suicidal thoughts crept up every night each night with more intensity. After a scary night I decided to meet with my bishop and seek out a therapist who has really helped even with just 1 session.
Right as I started to feel like my old self, I had a friend say some VERY hurtful things to me. Her and I, obviously, don't speak anymore. But I know for a sure knowledge that she was being influenced by the devil because she was saying things word for word that matched my suicidal thoughts. It was an incident that came out of something small and left me jaw on the floor speechless. It shook me that a close friend would say such hurtful things when she hadn't even known what a hard time I was having.
Why am I telling you all of this, and how does it tie into my title? Well let me skip to that part. I called my mom hysterical not knowing what to do with my thoughts. I called her saying "Am I really just a miserable person who makes every one else miserable around me?" "Do I really not deserve the life I have?" "Am I really that terrible of a person?" As my mom tried to calm me down I felt those thoughts pushing back HARD! I countered everything she was saying. Until she finally said "WHITNEY. Her opinion really matters more than MINE! Her opinion really matters more than Garrett's? More than your little boy that lights up whenever you're around? Seriously? She didn't even know you were going through this hard time, so how good of a friend was she? Really? Honestly?"
Wow. Do I have an amazingly spiritual mother or what? How blessed am I?! She know for a fact that the spirit was speaking directly through her. All the thoughts stopped. Dead in their tracks. My tears suddenly turned from sad to happy. Thinking of the wonderful life I've been given. And to think that this unfortunate loss of a friend ended up being Heavenly Father eliminating an incredibly toxic person from my life.
So let us think about that. Who matters in your life? Is it the instagram followers? How many comments you get on a photo? Is it how many friends you go out to lunch with? No. The people that matter are the people in your support system who are SAFE! Who lift you instead of dragging you down. Who make you feel good about yourself, and not the people who you'll never be good enough for. After my mom said that to me I thought "Wow. My friend must be VERY unhappy with her life. I feel bad for her." No longer did I have ill feelings for her. Just genuine pain that she would be so unhappy as to try and bring someone down with her.
My mom told me growing up over and over something my grandma told my mom growing up. "The only opinion that matters is Heavenly Fathers." For that has been a saving grace for me. It has pierced through the more intense, dense, and dark thoughts I've ever had. No one matters more, than our Father in Heaven. Think about those people who matter most, and tell them today how much they mean to you. Because they will be the ones you will thank someday for never leaving you comfortless.
Finally to end, don't let small people affect you so much. They do not matter. Sadly, they are having a hard time in their own lives and don't know how else to make themselves feel better. Sticks and stones may break my bones, BUT WORDS CAN HURT WORSE! That saying of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is BULL CRAP! Words can be like knives to your self esteem. If you are focusing on your own mental health and self-love those words can disappear and become small little droplets that roll off of your back. You are stronger than those people who weigh you down! You will NEVER be alone because we have a loving Savior who has felt those exact pains! Your worst moments in life, were not spent alone. That knowledge is extended to EVERYONE not to just some. He was thinking specifically of you when he suffered in the garden because you were his motivation to get through the bleeding out of every pore. You were worth every single moment Christ suffered in the garden and on Calvary's cross. Remember you were worth it, you are worth it, and you will ALWAYS be worth it.
I have suffered with depression my whole life. At times I have been a master at hiding it. Others it might as well be written on my forehead. I can remember some dark times dating back to 12 years old when I was severely bullied in my young womens. I've luckily always had a mother who seemed to know what to say at the perfect moments, a father who could make me smile no matter what, and siblings who were tight knit and made me know I always had a friend. I even started writing a book in high school (it's more like an essay) called "To the extrovert with depression" LOL. It's funny to read back on because I think "Why are you so dramatic 16 year old me?!!!!"
Recently I was struggling deeply with my depression. I've had Postpartum Depression and Anxiety since my son was born a year ago. What I have been met with as I've opened up to friends who aren't mothers is pure mockery. I have a group of ladies I meet with every Thursday (you know who you are!) that have been true angels to me. But suicidal thoughts crept up every night each night with more intensity. After a scary night I decided to meet with my bishop and seek out a therapist who has really helped even with just 1 session.
Right as I started to feel like my old self, I had a friend say some VERY hurtful things to me. Her and I, obviously, don't speak anymore. But I know for a sure knowledge that she was being influenced by the devil because she was saying things word for word that matched my suicidal thoughts. It was an incident that came out of something small and left me jaw on the floor speechless. It shook me that a close friend would say such hurtful things when she hadn't even known what a hard time I was having.
Why am I telling you all of this, and how does it tie into my title? Well let me skip to that part. I called my mom hysterical not knowing what to do with my thoughts. I called her saying "Am I really just a miserable person who makes every one else miserable around me?" "Do I really not deserve the life I have?" "Am I really that terrible of a person?" As my mom tried to calm me down I felt those thoughts pushing back HARD! I countered everything she was saying. Until she finally said "WHITNEY. Her opinion really matters more than MINE! Her opinion really matters more than Garrett's? More than your little boy that lights up whenever you're around? Seriously? She didn't even know you were going through this hard time, so how good of a friend was she? Really? Honestly?"
Wow. Do I have an amazingly spiritual mother or what? How blessed am I?! She know for a fact that the spirit was speaking directly through her. All the thoughts stopped. Dead in their tracks. My tears suddenly turned from sad to happy. Thinking of the wonderful life I've been given. And to think that this unfortunate loss of a friend ended up being Heavenly Father eliminating an incredibly toxic person from my life.
So let us think about that. Who matters in your life? Is it the instagram followers? How many comments you get on a photo? Is it how many friends you go out to lunch with? No. The people that matter are the people in your support system who are SAFE! Who lift you instead of dragging you down. Who make you feel good about yourself, and not the people who you'll never be good enough for. After my mom said that to me I thought "Wow. My friend must be VERY unhappy with her life. I feel bad for her." No longer did I have ill feelings for her. Just genuine pain that she would be so unhappy as to try and bring someone down with her.
My mom told me growing up over and over something my grandma told my mom growing up. "The only opinion that matters is Heavenly Fathers." For that has been a saving grace for me. It has pierced through the more intense, dense, and dark thoughts I've ever had. No one matters more, than our Father in Heaven. Think about those people who matter most, and tell them today how much they mean to you. Because they will be the ones you will thank someday for never leaving you comfortless.
Finally to end, don't let small people affect you so much. They do not matter. Sadly, they are having a hard time in their own lives and don't know how else to make themselves feel better. Sticks and stones may break my bones, BUT WORDS CAN HURT WORSE! That saying of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is BULL CRAP! Words can be like knives to your self esteem. If you are focusing on your own mental health and self-love those words can disappear and become small little droplets that roll off of your back. You are stronger than those people who weigh you down! You will NEVER be alone because we have a loving Savior who has felt those exact pains! Your worst moments in life, were not spent alone. That knowledge is extended to EVERYONE not to just some. He was thinking specifically of you when he suffered in the garden because you were his motivation to get through the bleeding out of every pore. You were worth every single moment Christ suffered in the garden and on Calvary's cross. Remember you were worth it, you are worth it, and you will ALWAYS be worth it.
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