Another post no one will see
I find it extremely funny that I write in here knowing no one will see. I don't know, maybe someday. I find it even funnier that I am going to write about a personal experience that I don't really like sharing. I do have an extremely low self-esteem about my personality so sharing my experience is hard for me because I'm scared of what others think of me. I've been struggling with depression for a long time. I've had ups and downs but I still struggle to find the thing to bring me out of it. I had a traumatic experience when I was younger that I NEVER talk about. I haven't told ANYONE. I told my husband earlier this year. I'm so thankful I opened up to him when I did.
In high school my personality took a turn for the worst. For so long I was happy, spunky, outgoing, and bubbly to be around. Yet in high school my best friend Jisu moved back to Korea, my sister emily(aka my rock) soon after left for 18 months to serve a mission for our church which means I could communicate only once a week via email & 2 times a year via phone, my other 2 siblings left the same week to college. My family are my best friends. They are my everything. So losing those people threw me to a dark place. I went to such a bad place. I tried to keep it together but I kept falling apart. My family noticed. My mom especially was very worried. I would constantly just go from okay to pissed off. My pissed off is almost like pouting? I made a lot of situations awkward. Then I slowly got out of it when I graduated high school. I hated high school. I didn't feel like I fit in. So getting away from all of that was great. I went into singles ward and it was the start of a up and down depression I went through.
Then I met my husband & I literally felt like my world was spinning. He is exactly the fairytale I wanted. He's a dream. When we got married we moved immediately to Logan, UT. Worst decision ever. We didn't pray about it whatsoever. We both felt pressured to be up there. Moving away from all of my family was the worst experience I've ever had. I fell dramatically into a depression. Watching me keep it together was so frustrating for my mom to hear. My parents came up so much to try and make things better but I was slipping. I felt so alone. I struggled to feel understood because of a secret I've held inside since I was around 7 years old.
I'm thankful I told my husband about my traumatic experience because it let him in on why I act the way I do. Sometimes I can't help it. Once I told him we felt smacked by DRAMA like you wouldn't believe that shook me at the worst time. Then it seemed trials kept building up on me. Some I could control and others that were out of my control but rocked my world. Feeling ganged up on I felt broken. My personal issues were at their peak.
With so much at the surface and feeling so misunderstood I felt worthless. I found myself in the lowest point in my life. I'd always felt I was needed in the world. But at that moment I felt completely invaluable. I would call my mom almost every night and during the day sobbing. Feeling so defeated was not normal for me. Feeling unneeded in the world was not normal. One day I was driving to work and I did not want to go. I wanted to curl up in a ball and not make everyone's life harder. I suddenly had the scariest thought I've ever had. I was driving and I thought "What if I just ended it here? In a car accident? It wouldn't look like it was on purpose. It would look like an accident. I could do it and not be judged for ending it. No one would notice I was gone. Some people would probably be happy I was gone." I cried the whole way to work and tried my hardest to not let it show. After work I called my mom & sobbed like I never have before. I couldn't hold it in, I told her about my suicidal thought that started a day full of suicidal thoughts. She immediately told me to tell my husband that this depression was not acceptable and if he wasn't going to stand up for me or help me then we needed to come down. That night my husband came home and I told him I had been putting off promptings to move back to Las Vegas and about my scary day. We made the decision to move back to Las Vegas.
Has my depression gone away? No. Has it gotten better? YES. I attribute all this to my Father in Heaven. I am the biggest idiot to move away from Him exactly when I needed him most. I was stupid to just be that typical mormon wife who just does whatever her husband wants without giving her true and honest opinion. Is and was my decision popular? No. We felt the judgement and vibes. But My life truly depended on it. I'm so thankful we did. My family is VERY different from others, as I've learned. We are all about sharing love, trials, and support.
Depression is treatable. It shouldn't be tolerated in your life because your life is too short. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:27). Find someone to tell your thoughts to. When you scare yourself, SHARE IT. Do not bottle stuff up. Find that one person who you feel so connected and comfortable with. Someone who won't judge you. And please please please seek professional help to live the life you deserve.
In high school my personality took a turn for the worst. For so long I was happy, spunky, outgoing, and bubbly to be around. Yet in high school my best friend Jisu moved back to Korea, my sister emily(aka my rock) soon after left for 18 months to serve a mission for our church which means I could communicate only once a week via email & 2 times a year via phone, my other 2 siblings left the same week to college. My family are my best friends. They are my everything. So losing those people threw me to a dark place. I went to such a bad place. I tried to keep it together but I kept falling apart. My family noticed. My mom especially was very worried. I would constantly just go from okay to pissed off. My pissed off is almost like pouting? I made a lot of situations awkward. Then I slowly got out of it when I graduated high school. I hated high school. I didn't feel like I fit in. So getting away from all of that was great. I went into singles ward and it was the start of a up and down depression I went through.
Then I met my husband & I literally felt like my world was spinning. He is exactly the fairytale I wanted. He's a dream. When we got married we moved immediately to Logan, UT. Worst decision ever. We didn't pray about it whatsoever. We both felt pressured to be up there. Moving away from all of my family was the worst experience I've ever had. I fell dramatically into a depression. Watching me keep it together was so frustrating for my mom to hear. My parents came up so much to try and make things better but I was slipping. I felt so alone. I struggled to feel understood because of a secret I've held inside since I was around 7 years old.
I'm thankful I told my husband about my traumatic experience because it let him in on why I act the way I do. Sometimes I can't help it. Once I told him we felt smacked by DRAMA like you wouldn't believe that shook me at the worst time. Then it seemed trials kept building up on me. Some I could control and others that were out of my control but rocked my world. Feeling ganged up on I felt broken. My personal issues were at their peak.
With so much at the surface and feeling so misunderstood I felt worthless. I found myself in the lowest point in my life. I'd always felt I was needed in the world. But at that moment I felt completely invaluable. I would call my mom almost every night and during the day sobbing. Feeling so defeated was not normal for me. Feeling unneeded in the world was not normal. One day I was driving to work and I did not want to go. I wanted to curl up in a ball and not make everyone's life harder. I suddenly had the scariest thought I've ever had. I was driving and I thought "What if I just ended it here? In a car accident? It wouldn't look like it was on purpose. It would look like an accident. I could do it and not be judged for ending it. No one would notice I was gone. Some people would probably be happy I was gone." I cried the whole way to work and tried my hardest to not let it show. After work I called my mom & sobbed like I never have before. I couldn't hold it in, I told her about my suicidal thought that started a day full of suicidal thoughts. She immediately told me to tell my husband that this depression was not acceptable and if he wasn't going to stand up for me or help me then we needed to come down. That night my husband came home and I told him I had been putting off promptings to move back to Las Vegas and about my scary day. We made the decision to move back to Las Vegas.
Has my depression gone away? No. Has it gotten better? YES. I attribute all this to my Father in Heaven. I am the biggest idiot to move away from Him exactly when I needed him most. I was stupid to just be that typical mormon wife who just does whatever her husband wants without giving her true and honest opinion. Is and was my decision popular? No. We felt the judgement and vibes. But My life truly depended on it. I'm so thankful we did. My family is VERY different from others, as I've learned. We are all about sharing love, trials, and support.
Depression is treatable. It shouldn't be tolerated in your life because your life is too short. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:27). Find someone to tell your thoughts to. When you scare yourself, SHARE IT. Do not bottle stuff up. Find that one person who you feel so connected and comfortable with. Someone who won't judge you. And please please please seek professional help to live the life you deserve.
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